My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
