my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
