You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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