operation harelip BJ is a go
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
