tonight lets celebrate not being married
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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