If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
