call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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