Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
