I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
