Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
