I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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