He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He shit in the fireplace
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
