she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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