Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
