last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
