just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
