Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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