How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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