You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Come back. Shots need mouths.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
