I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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