Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
