you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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