I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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