Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
