you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
