She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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