It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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