i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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