I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
