3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
