there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
