I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
