I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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