i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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