i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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