he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize