It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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