I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
