now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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