Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
