My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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