mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
