Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
