so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
