I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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