he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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