So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
