Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
