i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
We got so high we made milksteak
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
