sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
