It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He shit in the fireplace
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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