the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
