we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
