I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
