oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
